Big Changes

"As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living. Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered."
-T.S. Eliot

I just lost my job today. At Dunn Bros. I've worked there for over a year, and loved it. I so much enjoy the people. But I think I knew that I was burning out quickly, but I refused to admit it. So, perhaps this dismissal is the blessing of free time and rest that I didn't know I needed.

But beyond just freeing up my time presently, this lack of employment also frees up most of my future plans. I don't know where I'm going to live in the next few months, either here in the cities with friends or at home with my parents (which actually sounds pretty good right now, I miss them lately). I don't know what job I'll be doing in the near future, either working in public schools in the Twin Cities, or perhaps searching out something abroad that I've been wanting to do for quite a while. There are so many decisions to be made, all within the next week. I don't know how I'm going to figure it out.

But perhaps that's not the point. I've been restless and discontent for a WHILE now, and I knew that I needed to seek out something different, outside of this context that has caused me to burn out and feel so lost.

I don't claim to be a Christian, but I am a deeply spiritual person. Whatever God might be doing, it's quite beyond my comprehension right now. And that's okay.

I'm enjoying this freedom and mystery. It will all work out. Somehow.

What kind of paradise am I looking for?

I play this song on repeat quite often, especially when I'm driving, lost deep in thought. It asks questions that I sometimes don't know how to ask. I am more defined by my questions and wonderings than by my opinions and knowledge . . . . .

"Grey"- Ani DiFranco

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. i feel right at
home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way. i smoke and i drink and
every time i blink i have a tiny dream. but as bad as i am i'm proud of the
fact that i'm worse than i seem. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've
got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny thing will
wash up on the shore. you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv. you
penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out
to sea. and what can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me, and
what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally? what kind of paradise am i
looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny
shiny key will wash up on the shore. regretfully, i guess i've got three
simple things to say. why me? why this now? why this way? overtone's ringing,
undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand that is grey by an
ocean that's grey. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything
i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the
shore.

"Keeping Quiet" by Pablo Neruda

Now we will count to twelve

and we will all keep still.

This one time upon the earth,

let's not speak any language,

let's stop for one second,

and not move our arms so much.

It would be a delicious moment,

without hurry, without locomotives,

all of us would be together

in a sudden uneasiness.

The fishermen in the cold sea

would do no harm to the whales

and the peasant gathering salt

would look at his torn hands.

Those who prepare green wars,

wars of gas, wars of fire,

victories without survivors,

would put on clean clothing

and would walk alongside their brothers

in the shade, without doing a thing.

What I want shouldn't be confused

with final inactivity:

life alone is what matters,

I want nothing to do with death.

If we weren't unanimous

about keeping our lives so much in motion,

if we could do nothing for once,

perhaps a great silence would

interrupt this sadness,

this never understanding ourselves

and threatening ourselves with death,

perhaps the earth is teaching us

when everything seems to be dead

and then everything is alive.

Now I will count to twelve

and you keep quiet and I'll go.

Article on Religion in Polarized Politics

I am so deeply frustrated by the misuse of religion in the realm of politics. It wearies me more than I can say.
This article (which I pilfered from Marissa's facebook, thanks!) says it better than I can.

"Stop Shrinking God," by Kathleen Kennedy Townsend