Confessions of a Perpetual Skeptic

Tonight, I read The Hungering Dark by Frederick Buechner. . . .that is a pensive and transforming book if I've ever seen one. I only wish that I had not read it in such a exhausted state, I might have understood it more. But also tonight, I finished an article for Hidden Manna, Bethel's "spiritual" magazine of sorts. I thought that I should post it on here, because it is very much an expression of my thoughts as any of my other posts on here have been. So here's that fateful article of mine:

Confessions of a Perpetual Skeptic
In search of something more. . . . .

Jose Ortega, the Spanish philosopher, once said: “To be surprised, to wonder, is to begin to understand."
In the Christian faith, at times there can be a tendency to expect answers, explanations and properly delineated theology. I am here to admit that I have none of the above. I am a skeptic at heart. My search for God is often more defined by my doubts than my answers. Call me a cynic, but I’d say I’m a seeker.
Up until high school, I lived my entire life in a conservative evangelical environment, which I must admit, was a fairly good upbringing. I knew a great deal about the Bible, the Christian faith, and I could explain the “plan of salvation” in fifteen seconds flat. However, I must admit that although I had been raised in the Christian faith, by the time I was a senior in high school, I found myself with an inexplicable restlessness that pervaded my soul despite my staunch conviction that I “had all the answers.” During my senior year of high school, I distinctly remember a day when I left school, went out to my car in the parking lot, and sat in the driver’s seat and cried. As I sat there weeping, I had a shocking thought: “I have had this ‘faith’ all of my life, but I know that there’s something so much more.” What could this something more possibly be?
Upon my arrival to Bethel as a freshman, I assumed that this community of faith would somehow solve all of my doubts and questions. However, throughout my freshman and sophomore year, I found the uncertainties in my heart to be growing more and more. I could not deny the skepticism that always was in my mind. I began to wonder, why do I even believe in this Christian faith? The answer was simple: because I always had believed it.
In my sophomore spring semester I traveled abroad to Guatemala and spent the summer doing mission work directly after my semester abroad. During my time in those foreign cultures, my worldview was challenged and transformed. I was confronted with poverty, oppression, and injustice and became broken over the state of this world. I began to wonder about what kind of “God” was at work in this world where there was so much pain and brokenness.
When I returned to Bethel this fall, as a junior and a freshman RA, I was still plagued by this strange, persistent longing for something more. I threw myself into a journey of searching, questioning, seeking- I read philosophers, theologians, poets and fellow sojourners (I highly recommend reading Brian McLaren, Thomas Merton, Brennan Manning). I began to see how my “perfectly constructed faith” had been crumbling over the past few years, and it was about to completely shatter. One morning in December, something hit me, and I realized that I could no longer pretend. . . .and I suddenly rejected it all. I no longer could just go to church, read my Bible, pray “good” prayers, go to Vespers, attend chapel or do all the “good Christian things” simply because I always had done them. I knew that the life of good Christian performance was not what my heart was longing for at all; I wanted something truly real. . . .
So, what is this “something more” that I was restless for? I am in a constant battle of almost giving up and yet wanting so much more. I remember one time, when I was on the beach in Guatemala, staring out into the wide expanse of ocean, and pouring out my confusion and frustration to God. In the midst of my intense monologue to God, I heard Him say to me: “Mel, I want you to dance with me.” At first, I couldn’t, but after a few moments, I began to run and dance and jump among the powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean- I danced with God. It was a moment that was saturated with wonder and passion and the powerful presence of God. That was my real, intimate moment with the God that I was longing for- more authentic than any moment I have ever had in church! That is what I was made for, to experience God in a way that reason cannot explain.
Seeking God is a continuous battle between our doubt and faith, our passion and apathy, our confusion and clarity. It is okay to doubt and question: because through that you can find out what’s real. I don’t want a God of church services and proper theology; I desire an intimate, powerful, all-encompassing, passionate, authentic dance with this unbelievable God! That truly is the “something more” that I have always been longing for, and I won’t settle for anything less! My question is: what is it that you truly desire?