Sometimes I think of this journal as my treatise to the world. It is posted in cyberspace, where it is available for millions of eyes to see. But, who will actually see it? Who will actually read my pensive thoughts here on this page and understand? Maybe that is why I write on here: I write with vain hopes of someday being understood. I leave my thoughts out here, as if to hope that someone might read them and see through my eyes for a moment, and maybe, I could see through theirs as well. Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies is to live a solitary life, with no one to witness your every day thoughts, joys and ideas; just left to deal with this cold world alone. I've met some people while living down here in the city, certain ones who seem to just need some form of human contact, no matter how fleeting and superficial it is. A conversation in an all-night coffee shop, a prospective interaction at a bar. . .what is it that we're all looking for? Maybe if we try hard enough, we can fool ourselves into thinking that we're satisfied. That we don't really need anyone or anything. But honestly, I feel as if we all proceed through this life with a bizarre and perpetual discontent; and we either listen to it, cover it up, or ignore it. I listen to my discontent and restlessness TOO much perhaps, because I fear that I will never be settled. But why would I WANT to be settled? I mean, why would I want to be someone who has ascertained many forms of knowledge, decided where I stand, and rooted myself therein. I don't think it's a foolish notion to believe that I will remain a dynamic, skeptical person for the rest of my life. I think it's how I'm wired.
I can't help but have all of these existential thoughts, especially as I'm on the brink of going into the "rest of life," or whatever that means. I have to search and question absolutely as far as it goes, because I don't think that my inquisitive nature will ever be satisfied. . . .

To think of time. . .

T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets have been my soul as of late, especially these two stanzas:

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always—
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

(From Little Gidding, V)

Home is where one starts from.
As we grow older
The world becomes stranger,
the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living.
Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered.
There is a time for the evening under starlight,
A time for the evening under lamplight
(The evening with the photograph album).
Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter.
Old men ought to be explorers
Here or there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion
Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,
The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters
Of the petrel and the porpoise. In my end is my beginning.

(From East Coker, V)

Counting Blue Cars- Dishwalla

Must of been mid afternoon
I could tell by how far the child's shadow stretched out and
He walked with a purpose
In his sneakers, down the street
He had, many questions
Like children often do
He said,Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Tell me am I very far?
Must of been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks, in the street
And ask many questions
Like children often do
We said,Tell me all your thoughts on God?
'Cause I would really like to meet her
.And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God,
Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far
Am I very far now?

Its getting cold picked up the pace
How our shoes make hard noises in this place
Our clothes are stained
We pass many, cross eyed people
And ask many questions
Like children often do

Tell me all your thoughts on God?
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
'Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far?
Am I very far now
Am I very far now
Am I very far now

Song to sit in the car for. . .

This song came on The Current today when I came home, and I couldn't get out of the car, because I was so mesmerized by it. The lyrics are mysterious and beautiful. Read it:

Is It Like Today?

Many years ago he looked out through a glassless window.
All that he could see was Babylon.
Beautiful green fields and dreams,
And learn to measure the stars.
But there was a worry in his heart.

He said,
How could it come to this?
I'm really worried about living.
How could it come to this?
Yeah I really want to know about this.
Is it like today?

Then there came a day.
It moved out 'cross the Mediterranean.
Came to western isles and the Greek young men.
And with their silver beards they laughed
At the unknown universe.
They could sit and guess God's name.

But they said,
How could it come to this?
We're really worried about living.
How could it come to this.
Yeah, we really want to know about this.
Is it like today?

Then there followed days of Kings, Empires and revolution.
Blood just looks the same when you open the veins.
But sometimes it was faith, power or reason as the cornerstone.
But the furrowed brow has never left his face.

He said,
How could it come to this?
We've been living in a landslide!
How could it come to this?
Yeah, we really want to know about this.
Is it like today?

Then there came a day, man packed up,
Flew off from the planet.
He went to the moon,
Now he's out in space,
Hey, fixing all the problems.
He comes face to face with God.

How could it come to this?
I'm really worried 'bout my creation.
How did it comes to this?
You 're really killing me, you know.
It isn't just today?
Is it like today?
Is it like today?
Bang!

Thoughts about the world. . .

There was a guest lecturer on campus today, Dr. Hector Castaneda from Guatemala (beautiful land!), and he spoke in my first class, and then I followed him to chapel, and then I went to the lunch forum where he spoke. He spoke about sociology and theology in my class, and then perspective of the poor in chapel, and then Catholicism and Protestantism and indigenous spirituality in Guatemala. I suppose I thought that I actually knew something about these issues, but after listening to him, I realized that I don't know ANYTHING, especially in comparison to this man who has spent his life in that country, and knows its history and social and cultural life so well.
As we are made aware of these things, perhaps we ought to step down our "high horse" of American, middle-class idealism, and share in the realism that someone like Dr. Castaneda espouses. People, in each forum, kept asking him naively hopeful questions, and he would respond with a realistic answer, but by no means a pessimistic answer. After living through the injustices that he has seen in Guatemala, I can't imagine him being anything else except blazingly realistic. Naive hope only gets us so far before the shit of life cuts us off at the knees. I realize that, although I feel I have been given a holistic worldview by my liberal arts education, I still have SO much to learn. I don't think that I will "arrive" at the decision point of belief anytime soon, about things like economy, politics and society, and of course, about faith too; because I feel like I am going to be learning new things all the time throughout life, so why should I decide my position now- because then that closes the door for future possibilities for dialogue and open-mindedness and understanding.
I used to think that I was a raving liberal, and now I'm not so sure. Perhaps that is simply a reaction/response to the right-wing, conservative ideology that I was raised with, and not really a solution. I used to passively tow the party line of conservative ideology for most of my life, and then in my new found liberal thinking in college, I am finding the same tendency- to almost tow the party line of liberal ideology, but not finding a real solution. If every single person in this country became a conservative today, would that truly create unity and solve social problems? No. If everyone in this country suddenly became a liberal today, would there truly be peace and real change? Nope, probably not. I'd like to think that there's still such a thing as revolutionary politics, and it involves not necessarily espousing to one side or another, but being a challenge to both. Of course, a hero of mine is Jim Wallis, who seeks to reconcile both sides, and propose the possibility of prophetic politics, that actually seeks to create solutions for societal injustices, rather than just blowing hot air of promises. We've had promises for decades, but where are the true revolutionaries?
"Don't you know? Talkin' about a revolution. . . . .finally the tables are starting to turn, talkin' about a revolution." -Tracy Chapman (aka my heart, as of late)

Stupid, pointless homework

I'm sitting at the computer here at J-Porch, wallowing in my f-ing writer's block. It's my own fault that I waited this long to finish all of these papers, but I really don't give a shit about them. I know that they are important topics, about capitalism and religion and such, and that I should learn something from them, but my mind is just not very engaged in it tonight. I have too many other things that are floating through my head. . .
When I got up this morning, maybe I had some kind of naive idealism in my head, but throughout the day, it gradually became less and less, because one thing after another reminded me about the shittiness of life. It's impossible to ignore the pain in people's lives. . . . .and my own conflicts with others. It sucks to have to bring something up from the past and talk about it, it's sometimes like digging at an almost-healed wound, but it needs to be done. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about having to talk to someone about conflicts. . . . .especially if I know that I am the one who hurt them. I guess sometimes I think that I'm good when it comes to friends, and that people actually like me; but then I am smacked in the face with the reality that I let someone down. . . .what a humbling moment.
To that person, I'm sorry (I think you know who you are).

What the hell?

What the hell is this man thinking? Why does he represent Christians this way? His words are so unbased and unjust. This just makes me so mad.

Pat Robertson Warns Pa. Town of Disaster
Nov 10, 11:03 PM (ET)

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) - Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson warned residents of a rural Pennsylvania town Thursday that disaster may strike there because they "voted God out of your city" by ousting school board members who favored teaching intelligent design.
All eight Dover, Pa., school board members up for re-election were defeated Tuesday after trying to introduce "intelligent design" - the belief that the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power - as an alternative to the theory of evolution.
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city," Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network's "700 Club."
Eight families had sued the district, claiming the policy violates the constitutional separation of church and state. The federal trial concluded days before Tuesday's election, but no ruling has been issued.
Later Thursday, Robertson issued a statement saying he was simply trying to point out that "our spiritual actions have consequences."
"God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in his eye forever," Robertson said. "If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them."
Robertson made headlines this summer when he called on his daily show for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device. He has also said that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

What in the world is he thinking? Where does he get this kind of logic? This makes me so sad as well. Does anyone else find his thinking incredibly flawed?

Ranting and raving. . .

I have so many thoughts in my head, I need to express them somehow. I'm sorry if all of this sounds rash or whatever, but I am just going crazy with everything that is going on in my head.

I have been in classes all day, and every single one of them was about some social issue: Bonhoeffer's response to World War II, my senior sem project about liberation, the idea of colonization and stripping native peoples of their culture, and racism, homophobia and culture vs. religion. My mind is absolutely overflowing, and not exactly with anything in particular. I think so much about these social issues, and maybe I'm foolish enough to believe that someday these things will actually change, and that I can maybe work for that change. I also had a conversation with a friend today, about being very disillusioned with the church. I'll admit it, it's true. I am VERY disillusioned with the history of religion, especially Christianity, and all of the injustices that have been perpetuated and all of the atrocities that were done in the name of Christianity. My heart just hurts whenever we think that these issues are so easily solved with a black and white, logical answer. They are so much more complex than that! Maybe I'll graduate from college with all this zeal, thinking that I can actually be about change, and then I'll fall on my ass, get even more disillusioned, and resign myself to powerlessness. But what is actually changed if I just allow myself to become stagnant and apathetic about the state of our society? Is anything going to be changed if we resign ourselves to believing that we're in too deep, we might as well survive it the best that we can. I look at the revolutionaries of the past century: Oscar Romero, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Dorothy Day, Rigoberta Menchu, and so many others. . . .I want to believe in the possibility of change as much as they did.

I guess that if I worked for change just for the sake of redeeming humanity, that would be worth it. I've heard the term "humanism" thrown around like an insult in religious circles for way too long, and I'm beginning to realize that we all have something to learn from the humanist ethic. I'm reading "Pedagogy of the Oppressed" right now, and it's all about the idea of dehumanization and re-humanization. I used to think that I would work for social activism because of my Christian beliefs, but now I'm not so sure. Christianity and social activism, in our day and age, seem mutually exclusive. DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS? I can't get over that question. I want to be about social justice, but somehow I also want to see something deeper in the Christian faith than evangelicals have attempted to express. Right doctrine, right belief, right morals. . . . .BULLSHIT. I'm sorry. Shouldn't there be SOMETHING MORE about this radical religion? Somehow, I thought Jesus was a revolutionary. . . .I don't see much of that in Christianity these days. I want to be a revolutionary. I want to believe that Christianity is about more than what evangelicals have made it.

I was (maybe still am) an atheist/agnostic for most of this past year. It was a beautiful time, because for the first time in my life, I wasn't seeing everything through the screwed-up rose colored glasses that are Christian beliefs. I wanted to understand parts of culture that most Christians wouldn't touch and understand the world as it is, not as I choose to see it. I've had my worldview deconstructed throughout my years of college, and I have a feeling that it's going to keep happening for quite a while longer. Maybe I won't end up being a "Christian" again. And that's okay. It's a viable possibility. Just because I always was one, doesn't mean that I always will be one. I want something real, within which I can struggle with the real questions of life, and all of that shit. I'm out of this christian college in a matter of weeks. . . . .and then on to tackle the rest of the world!!!! Freedom!!!!!!