Sometimes I think of this journal as my treatise to the world. It is posted in cyberspace, where it is available for millions of eyes to see. But, who will actually see it? Who will actually read my pensive thoughts here on this page and understand? Maybe that is why I write on here: I write with vain hopes of someday being understood. I leave my thoughts out here, as if to hope that someone might read them and see through my eyes for a moment, and maybe, I could see through theirs as well. Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies is to live a solitary life, with no one to witness your every day thoughts, joys and ideas; just left to deal with this cold world alone. I've met some people while living down here in the city, certain ones who seem to just need some form of human contact, no matter how fleeting and superficial it is. A conversation in an all-night coffee shop, a prospective interaction at a bar. . .what is it that we're all looking for? Maybe if we try hard enough, we can fool ourselves into thinking that we're satisfied. That we don't really need anyone or anything. But honestly, I feel as if we all proceed through this life with a bizarre and perpetual discontent; and we either listen to it, cover it up, or ignore it. I listen to my discontent and restlessness TOO much perhaps, because I fear that I will never be settled. But why would I WANT to be settled? I mean, why would I want to be someone who has ascertained many forms of knowledge, decided where I stand, and rooted myself therein. I don't think it's a foolish notion to believe that I will remain a dynamic, skeptical person for the rest of my life. I think it's how I'm wired.
I can't help but have all of these existential thoughts, especially as I'm on the brink of going into the "rest of life," or whatever that means. I have to search and question absolutely as far as it goes, because I don't think that my inquisitive nature will ever be satisfied. . . .