My deepest thoughts tonight. . .

I was writing an email to a very good friend tonight, and I surprised as to the thoughts that came out of me. I don't know who will read this, and I honestly don't really care. It's just some of my most honest thoughts (ones that even I need to ponder for a while) to include on this ongoing blog/journal of thoughts:

Joy-
Last night, I was pondering the concept of love quite a bit, and now tonight I'm wondering about the concept of beauty. I guess I was thinking about it in relation to how you or I (or any of us girls, or people for that matter) possess beauty. And, do I possess beauty even if I don't feel like I do? I suppose that I hope that I am beautiful physically, sure. . . .but I guess I'm really wondering about a different kind of beauty than that. Like if I do possess some kind of transcendental beauty, do others see it, or do I want them to see it? Or, perhaps the only people who matter are the ones who really do see it. What does it mean to find someone beautiful?
I don't really even know how to put into words the wonderings that I'm having right now. . . .it seems reminiscient of our day when we went up to the river park in Wisconsin. . .that day was so pregnant with beauty, it was overwhelming. But it seems natural to find beauty in places like that. .. but how do I find beauty in the muddy concrete jungle of Mpls, or in the faces of my residents? I saw beauty in my family today. . .we spent the whole day together (doing things like last minute shopping), and laughing so much and talking about lots of things. My sister and I had a long conversation about boys while wrapping presents before dinner, and then we all watched "Shall We Dance?" together (with my parentals snuggling on the couch like always- SO cute.) My dad, of course, teared up at the end (he ALWAYS tears up at the end of sappy or profound movies, it's probably my favorite thing about him). So, I suppose, there was unexpected beauty in my family today, even though I never would have thought there would be. I have to go to church with my fam tomorrow, perhaps it will be more of a stretch (or not) to find beauty in that.
What happens to us, with things that we once found fascinating, intriguing or enamoring, when those things eventually become mundane and ordinary? I wonder how many millions of couples fell in love (and were deeply infatuated and enamored at the start), but slowly, over time, grew used to each other, and stopped seeing the immense beauty that they once saw in one another? It reminds me of that story that you have told a couple times about the couple from Over The Rhine, and how they realized that they no longer knew the other person, and they both stopped everything and just went and attempted to KNOW the other person once again. How does one keep themselves aware of such things. . . .and not let "epic love" (as you once called it) fade away?
Sometimes I think that I need to tame and deny this hopeless romantic within me. Do I? I don't know. It seems like such a fickle and erratic part of my psyche, I should just do away with it. But then again, I wonder if it's the one thing that keeps me breathing and living. I don't suppose that logic and reason could ever really be my life-force. Perhaps I've spent so much of this semester relying on logic and being intellectual for classes, that this "romantic" part of me is now spilling out, now that I have the chance to listen to it.
These are just many of my thoughts, that I just had to share with someone. I know that I'm not a religious person, but I think that these are some of the most spiritual thoughts I've ever had.

~Mel