Where IS God?

It's one of those days, with what I read in the news, and what I see in every day life, I wonder, where IS God? We go through this life, living and breathing and learning and interacting in human and literal ways, and yet we're supposed to be conscious of this "spiritual" realm that is so much bigger than us. . . .but I don't know about you, but I become rather distracted by the every day human life, that it's honestly difficult to understand and perceive the presence of God; especially a God who is "at work" in this world. I look at the news, and like Thoreau once wrote, what is it to read yet another news story about another murder, another theft, another death? They all become the same after a while, and how is it possible to maintain hope in the face of seeing all this tragedy, day after day? People say that God is at work in this world, but if I'm completely honest, sometimes I have trouble seeing where he is involved in this world. It's easy to believe in God in a protected Christian environment like a camp, retreat, missions trip, or even a Christian college, but when one is deep entrenched in the turmoil and everyday routine of society, somehow it takes a lot more faith to believe in the existence of a "good God." I honestly will not simply believe that God is good, and life will turn out okay, because I also HAVE to be realistic that there is pain, poverty and injustice in this world. How can I live in the tension of the reality of both- that there is a "good" God and YET there is pain in this world? Truly, there is no easy answer. . . . .

Questions

Okay, I know that I am a person who questions nearly everything. I guess I can't help it, I think I'm just a born skeptic. But tonight, I was reminded of something my good friend Joel told me once: we were talking about our missions trip to Mexico over spring break, and he told me: "Mel, do you realize that while we were down there, you didn't have to be asking questions and doubting all the time? It's like your need to doubt and search was gone- or maybe there was no need for you to ask questions." Somehow, that's true. When I was in that different culture, I didn't have to question life as much, it seemed to just all make sense somehow. Maybe I'm just not made to live in the United States forever, or maybe just when I'm here I turn into an instant skeptic and cynic. . . . .

The Rebel Jesus

The lyrics to this song are extremely thought-provoking, by my favorite, Jackson Browne. I often wonder what was in his heart when he wrote this. Something so pensive, and yet so honest. . . . .makes me wonder "Who is this rebel Jesus?"

THE REBEL JESUS

All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants’ windows are all bright
With the faces of the children
And the families hurrying to their homes
As the sky darkens and freezes
They’ll be gathering around the hearths and tales
Giving thanks for all god’s graces
And the birth of the rebel jesus

Well they call him by the prince of peace
And they call him by the savior
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
As they fill his churches with their pride and gold
And their faith in him increases
But they’ve turned the nature that I worshipped in
From a temple to a robber’s den
In the words of the rebel jesus

We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why they are poor
They get the same as the rebel jesus

But please forgive me if I seem
To take the tone of judgement
For I’ve no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel jesus.

Purpose of Mindless Entertainment?

I have been thinking today, about the way the American public has become. (Lofty thoughts, I know.) I wonder, do we allow ourselves to simply be mindlessly entertained by the media? Does the media (music, movies, television, radio) really dare to stimulate the minds of the greater public, or have we simply succumbed to an endless din of noise? Do the avenues of media really ask deeper questions, or simply cause us to turn off our minds for a certain period of time- perhaps so that we can escape from whatever turmoil in which we are living.

I feel so cheap and shallow after I watch an hour of TV, or watch a comedy film or something. . . . .I think I just have this huge desire to be creative, to learn and understand, to reason and discern- rather than just being a passive observer of society, through the biased medium of our modern media. Do we just let the media influence us passively, or do we dare to seek out higher types of learning, even when it is not forced upon us? Even though college isn't in session now for the summer, I feel like my craving for learning is even more insatiable. I feel like now I want to read and write and seek out new ways of seeing the world. However, I know my human tendency is just to pop in a video and veg out, and turn off my brain. . . . .even though I know I have the possibility of this open and free time in the summer, when I can think and write and read more.

I honestly hate noise, and the need to be constantly in motion and busy. I hate it because I AM that exact type of person. I am constantly busy, because when I am keeping busy, I don't have to slow down and stop and listen to my own thoughts. It's easier to turn off your brain and your heart when you are constantly busy and surrounded with perpetual noise. However, I now know how EMPTY and pointless that kind of busy life can become. True community, real learning and understanding of oneself, and the ability to truly hear God- those things cannot exist or happen within the life of constant busyness. Perhaps someday I will learn not to give into the American tendency of busyness and stress, but for now, it still plagues me all the time. Alas, I was born a perfectionist and workaholic, and I am learning that what I truly need is silence, solitude and contemplation to truly understand myself, the world, and my place in it. . . . .

Those are my thoughts for tonight. . . . .

Home in Isanti again. . . .

Well, it's been quite a while since I've blogged on here, and since then, I've had quite the harrowing adventure. I went to join Youthworks staff for my second summer on May 23rd, and I was headed to New Madrid, Missouri as the site program staff. How did I get back here to MN? you may ask. Well, from the get-go of being at my old stomping ground, Youthworks, I began to realize that the doubts and questions that I have been strongly wrestling with for this past year just would not die. And surely, the environment of Youthworks was not a place that my doubts would be settled or changed. My doubts just served to flourish within me, and that was such an intense battle, because I was on the precipice of entering "spiritual leadership" for the entire summer! And my supervisors began to find out that I was questioning a lot, and through a week of interviews and reviews, they decided that it was best that I not continue on at Youthworks this summer.

So, talk about a humbling moment- to hear that you're being sent home! I know that I have to spend this summer wrestling through my questions- not to come to any clear-cut answers or simply because the institution of YW wants me to. . . . .but because I cannot live within a worldview of cyncism anymore. It's impossible. It cuts me off from the possible beauty and also possible pain of the world. I know now that institutions are not the place to ask questions, because they threaten the core of the institution. I know and I relinquish the fact that there can be no room for ambiguity in institutions and programs- but WHY NOT? Why do churches and faith-based programs have to have a certain, clear-cut statement of faith always? Isn't faith "the assurance of things hoped for, the certainty of things not seen"? I thought that faith was supposed to be more of living in the midst of ambiguity, rather than aligning oneself perfectly in certainty.

I don't know what I think, I don't know who to be, I don't know where to start. I feel as if I am starting from scratch, looking for truth, not really sure what I'll find. I have to admit, though, I used to feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by coming back into my hometown, but today, driving in, it wasn't so bad. I know that even as I was challenged to see people in Cairo and New Madrid as they truly are, I know that I need to seek to see the people of Isanti that way too. Oh, yay for a humbling summer. . . . .