Home in Isanti again. . . .

Well, it's been quite a while since I've blogged on here, and since then, I've had quite the harrowing adventure. I went to join Youthworks staff for my second summer on May 23rd, and I was headed to New Madrid, Missouri as the site program staff. How did I get back here to MN? you may ask. Well, from the get-go of being at my old stomping ground, Youthworks, I began to realize that the doubts and questions that I have been strongly wrestling with for this past year just would not die. And surely, the environment of Youthworks was not a place that my doubts would be settled or changed. My doubts just served to flourish within me, and that was such an intense battle, because I was on the precipice of entering "spiritual leadership" for the entire summer! And my supervisors began to find out that I was questioning a lot, and through a week of interviews and reviews, they decided that it was best that I not continue on at Youthworks this summer.

So, talk about a humbling moment- to hear that you're being sent home! I know that I have to spend this summer wrestling through my questions- not to come to any clear-cut answers or simply because the institution of YW wants me to. . . . .but because I cannot live within a worldview of cyncism anymore. It's impossible. It cuts me off from the possible beauty and also possible pain of the world. I know now that institutions are not the place to ask questions, because they threaten the core of the institution. I know and I relinquish the fact that there can be no room for ambiguity in institutions and programs- but WHY NOT? Why do churches and faith-based programs have to have a certain, clear-cut statement of faith always? Isn't faith "the assurance of things hoped for, the certainty of things not seen"? I thought that faith was supposed to be more of living in the midst of ambiguity, rather than aligning oneself perfectly in certainty.

I don't know what I think, I don't know who to be, I don't know where to start. I feel as if I am starting from scratch, looking for truth, not really sure what I'll find. I have to admit, though, I used to feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by coming back into my hometown, but today, driving in, it wasn't so bad. I know that even as I was challenged to see people in Cairo and New Madrid as they truly are, I know that I need to seek to see the people of Isanti that way too. Oh, yay for a humbling summer. . . . .