Weary on life

Seriously, it is only the first day of September, I should seriously not be this tired. I spent an entire summer living slowly, reading and thinking and working at weird (but good) intervals. And now the frenzy of fall semester has begun, and I feel like I don't even have time to think, let alone breathe. I want to connect with so many people, because it's my last year, so I have to decide which friendships are the ones I really want to invest in. And, I live off campus, so it's a little more difficult to be intentional about friendships when I live 15 minutes away. But of course, I wouldn't give up this opportunity to live in the inner city, it is truly priceless.

Gosh, I just AHELAR expression (I couldn't think of the good enough english word, so there's an intense Spanish word for you). I felt like I understood at least my own thoughts this summer, when I had so much ample time to process them, but now I feel like I can only write or think or pray in between the many things in my schedule. I don't like being busy! It cheapens life! I WANT to be able to have time to talk with friends and drink tea and read a novel or some poetry, but life takes over, and responsibility is now king, and I am a slave to studies. So, when I come home, all I want to do is collapse in my room and prepare for bed. What a sad existence. I don't know why I'm having this strange pity party, maybe I should go hang out with my roommates instead of complaining that I have no community. Gosh, I just need someone to process life with- so that it starts to make sense!

I try to pray, but all that comes out is tentative dares to this being that I can't grasp! I want to shake my fist in God's face and dare this being to show him or herself. We live in a rational society, I was not raised to understand mysticism, but I have this sneaking suspicion that this "God" is a lot more mystical than we might think.

I have several classes that deal with issues of poverty, oppression, racism, culture, and pacifism, all of these beautiful issues that are very dear to my heart. But the problem is, they are huge lofty ISSUES to me right now, they are not tangible and real. Right now, what is tangible and real are the faces that I see everyday as I walk the halls of Bethel. My heart grieves for these lives that are searching for something, whether they realize it or not. Masks of feigned happiness abound all around me as I saunter through the crowds, and I ended my day today with such a heaviness. It's almost as if we are dying of thirst by an abundant spring, and we DON'T KNOW WHY. What is it about this culture, that we are so fast paced, success-driven, capitalistic- and we don't know how to be silent? We don't know how to just enjoy life, and walk slowly! Try that today- just actually walk slowly! I bet you can't do it! I know I can't sometimes, but I sometimes wonder why I'm in such a rush when I have no where to go. The other day, I had lunch down by the lake at Bethel with my friend Nate, and when we were done eating, we went along part of the shore, just looking at things like flowers and reeds and trees and just LOOKING at them instead of passing by. There was so much beauty in those simple things that I pass by every day- it astounded me.

For some reason, I just want to go and cry. Not because I hate life or anything; the exact opposite, I desire so much in this life, but yet I feel grief for the shallowness of so much of it. I want to "drive deep and suck all the marrow out of life," as Thoreau said. I read something today, a girl from Bethel wrote: "The greatest thing I fear is mediocrity." That is true for me as well.

Why am I so damn restless and dissatisfied? What the hell am I looking for?

Pardon my crazy ramblings. . . .