Summer is damn wedding season. . . .

I went to another wedding this weekend. I suppose I shouldn't think I'm burned out on weddings, I only had three to go to this summer, and I ended up missing one of them. (Sorry, Daniel!) And hey, I love weddings. I tried my hardest to catch the bouquet on Friday, but my dear friend Tirzah caught it instead (she was the most deserving bridesmaid anyway). And you gotta love weddings, because the philosophy from Wedding Crashers is somewhat true: everyone has love on their minds, and so they are on the lookout for hooking up at the wedding. I have to admit, I thought the bride's oldest brother was quite attractive, and I couldn't get up the nerve to ask him for his number, even though he IS my age, but he goes to college out in Oregon. I might have to ask Anna (the bride) for his email or something. I am on this random conviction to start getting up the courage to ask guys for their numbers or initiate conversation, because I don't want to waste so much time being passive and waiting for guys to get up the courage. Not that I want to go out and hit on a ton of guys or become an outrageous flirt, but I have been the "friend of guys" for so long, I think I need to start to understand the dating world.

On the drive to the wedding (which was over two hours, lovely), I rode in a car with three dear friends of mine that I lived with this past year, and we were talking about love and dating (of course, what else would girls talk about when they're going to a wedding?); and I always like to pick the brains of my girlfriends about what it means to fall in love, because I have never experienced it. I supppose you could say I am in somewhat of a skeptical phase about love, because I can't bring myself to believe that love is just some big fantasy fairy tale. There's a lot of shit wrapped up in dating relationships and marriage relationships, and I have to be a realist about it right from the get-go. But I don't want to be SO cynical and skeptical about love that I can't even be open to the possibility of it. I don't know what I think about true love, but I do know for sure that the bride and groom on Friday truly love each other. And I also do know that their first year of marriage is going to be HARD and a lot of work on both their parts. Maybe that's the beauty of marriage and love, that for the first time in your life, you are so fully about another person, you begin to realize how selfish you have been. That's the greatest lie, to believe that this life is all about ourselves. But honestly, I can't begin to imagine sharing my whole entire life with another person right now, it would feel like such a loss of freedom. But of course, what an amazing exchange, to have such a deep and intimate friend as a trade for the loss of your freedom.

I can't help but think that marriage is a beautiful and mysterious relationship, but I know that I certainly am not ready for it at all. A few of my good friends from high school are already married, and one even has a baby! That's awesome, the fact that they have that kind of life now. . .but I am far too restless to have committment- I think even a second date would share the crap out of me!

I get so annoyed when people think that they have to rush into being close, especially at a place like Bethel. "Because we're both so spiritual and also seeking God, let's talk all about it and pray together and tell our life stories." Oh please. I think that is SO unhealthy, to share the deepest parts of yourself with someone when you barely know them and don't really even have a history with them. It is so important to know someone in everyday life and experiences before you share your deepest soul with them. Because, if you don't, the only connection you have will be in deep heart things, and there will be nothing substantial to keep the relationship going, and it will eventually die. I have a good guy friend that whenever we get together, we talk quite deeply about life and what's going on, and the thing is, that's how our relationship started, three years ago- by talking about very deep things. We are able to talk about everyday things, but that only goes so far and not much farther. But, we have both learned how to try to understand each other's passions. I try to understand his passions for business and baseball, and he tried to understand my passions for poetry and missions. Even though we're so different, I think we've learned how to balance each other out, especially because we're such opposite people and we are very much about each other in the friendship, not just ourselves. (Even though we admit to having our selfish times, we're not perfect!)

I have another guy friend that I spent a lot of time with this past school year, and I think that was my favorite part about my friendship with him- that we had so many everyday experiences together. Granted, we were involved in many of the same endeavors and activities, but beyond that, we would do random things together, like go out for coffee or tea, or go running when it's cold out, or just call each other and talk about how our day went. We didn't have deep heart to heart talks every time we saw each other, and I was quite relieved by that, because we had a relationship based on everyday living, and the deep stuff would randomly come out over time, but we didn't force it. He would say sometimes: "Mel, what I like about this friendship is that we still don't know everything about each other." And that was so true. We didn't tell our deepest thoughts and fears, but yet I knew that I probably could eventually, because I grew to trust him more than I ever trusted any of those "quick and deep" guy friends that I'd had in the past.

Wow, guy friends are such a tricky thing. I have some truly quality guy friends, and I love just hanging out with the guys (I get weary of how prissy and dramatic girls can be), because I think when I was little, I secretly wanted to be a boy- which shown through in my tomboy demeanor as a kid (which I have since passed on to my baby sister, and she has magnified and improved the Johnson tomboy demeanor- she owns it, and I love it). A dear friend of mine who is also a bonafide tomboy (and still beautiful and genuine), made up this joke that girls like her and I have a disorder called "T.T.S.S": Toxic-Tomboy-Sister-Syndrome. Simply put, she meant that chicks like us are always a sister or buddy to guys, but never really considered "girlfriend material." And we're pretty okay with that. I enjoy having good guy friends, and learning so much from their perspective and thoughts. Sometimes I think guys get me better than girls do. I just dont' care about girly things, even though I can speak "girl language." I won't go into detail about girly language, in case guys ever read this, you might be appalled or slightly confused. But beyond all of this non-girly, tomboy persona, I really am so comfortable with who I am. I don't feel that I need to be more thin, or taller, or prettier; I am bizarrely content with who I am. . . .and for some reason, I feel that it's a rare way of thinking in this culture and time. Girls are supposed to hate their bodies and personalities, and become chameleons as per the vascillating desires of guys. Well, there have been enough times in the past when I "morphed" to catch (or keep) the attention of a guy, and it truly was so shallow and pointless. They didn't like me for me, they only liked who they thought I was, or who I was pretending to be. I don't want to dumb myself down or change my personality so that some guy will date me. I become saddened when girls think that's what they have to do. Sure, I suppose I want to date someday (maybe someday soon), but I am really content with who I am and with where I am in life that I don't want to try extra hard to find my "soulmate," I'd rather just let life happen. And besides, if I get a boyfriend, then I can't flirt with guys in traffic or at weddings anymore. Darn.

And, I have been having thoughts about how to start dating relationships, and I had a strange realization. There are so many things that a person could say in order to initiate a dating relationship or express feelings for another person, but perhaps it all comes down to the element of RISK. All that I could say, if I was honest with someone I had feelings for, would be: "I am scared out of my mind to think of dating, and I know that relationships take work and sacrifice, and above all that, I know that YOU are someone that I am willing to risk taking a chance on. I am going to take the risk of having feelings for you, even though responsibility is screaming within me to 'not open up my heart.' So, here, I'm going to take a chance on you."

Or, I might as well quote one of my favorite movie lines: "I guarantee that there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at one point, one (or both of us) will want to get out. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

Those are my random and honest thoughts on romance and love. . . . . .