Ruminations. . .

I often have periods of deep thought, when I wish I had my journal or my blog close at hand, because I need to express things out of my feeble mind in order for them to make sense. Does that make sense? :)

I realized this morning, as I was getting ready for the day, what a curse it is to have this computer in my house, and now to have a new cell phone. They only serve to magnify loneliness! For most of the summer, I had neither one, and I knew that I was lonely, but I almost reveled in it, because I had things that deserved my attention, like novels and poetry and my own writing and thinking. When I come on the internet, and log on at a futile attempt to find connection with another human being, I almost always am sorely disappointed. I crave genuine interaction, of which is sorely lacking on my internet conversations. My email box seems to fill up with college course updates and non-profit organizations' promo emails and my BBC news updates, but I so often log on in hopes to see the name of someone familiar, and read their thoughts to me, so that I can reply back with my thoughts to them.

I also fought the need to get a cell phone for so long, with arguments that I did not want to become a slave to technology. And now that I HAVE become one, I now realize that my real problem with the infernal contraption is that you can have it on your person for hours and days on end, and it only serves as a reminder that NO ONE has called. Check my phone again? Oh, no one has called. See if I have any messages? Well, still no one has called. Alas, I was content for most of the summer with my basic existence with books and writing and chores for my family- it left me to have ample time to think and ponder. Now, I feel restless because I OUGHT to be having human interactions, and I'm not. Before, I didn't really care if I had human interactions or not, because I really didn't even have the option, so I was quite content in my aloneness.

So, I don't think there is much purpose to machines like cell phones and internet, except to magnify the aloneness that each human feels anyway.

And perhaps, my loneliness is not just a product of these new technological means of communication, perhaps it is because I am restless and running from something that I can't even imagine. I've rejected God for most of this summer, even had periods of staunch atheism, and now I have an inexplicable restlessness, as if God is chasing me. I mostly am apathetic about God, not necessarily by choice all of the time, because I don't usually think about God during the day. If most of us were honest with ourselves, we would realize that we don't usually think about God during our busy, fast-paced American days either. Only when we slow down enough to think and to BE and to hear our own hearts do we realize that there is a mystical realm that is snuffed out by our loud and endless busyness. I don't ever want to live my life in such busyness that I can't have a sense for the mystical spirituality that is God's communication with us and ours with him or her. I see so many of my friends succumbing to the same pattern that I did for several years: the pattern of endless burnout. We think that we constantly have to be proving ourselves by remaining as busy as possible, and doing as many selfless things for God as we can. But we need to STOP and have a dose of our humanness. When I was asked to leave Youthworks at the beginning of this summer, it was almost like it was a forced sabbatical from leadership and ministry, which I desperately needed, but wasn't willing to admit that I needed. This summer has been almost a type of sabbath for me, a time of rest and change. I haven't even had time before to process things that I experienced a year ago, like my grandma's death or my travels to Youthworks or Guatemala last spring and summer. Something ironic that my pastor used to always say at my home church: "If the devil can't make you bad, he'll just make you busy."

So, what are we doing? Trying to prove ourselves? Trying to keep going so fast so that we don't have to hear our own hearts? So that we don't have to hear what God might actually say to us if we sat long enough to hear it honestly? I can't make myself endlessly busy again, because it cheapens life and it cheapens who I am. I become someone who only has brief moments of time to pencil in, but not with authentic real time to give to anyone.

My passion at Bethel is to challenge others to think for themselves. To dare to imagine that God is found in more than just the prescribed ways. To believe that there's "something more" to this faith journey. Last spring semester, I was a part of a beautiful groups of seekers like me, and we gathered once a week to drink tea and talk about our questions and doubts. If everyone is honest with themselves, they all have doubts and questions. "Without doubt, there is no faith." This year, I hope to continue the legacy of that group, since all of the seniors that led it have graduated- I assume the torch is now passed on to me. I want to keep this group going, to maintain a place where people can freely question and think . . . . .