Lonely. . . .

Do you ever feel like you know tons of people, have countless acquaintances, and know hundreds of names, but yet you still have a loneliness that still haunts you?

I have couple hundred friends on Facebook. So what? I don't really give a shit. What does that mean, except that I can have pithy conversations and interactions and friendships with many people, but how many of them TRULY know me? None.

I think that I am good at giving the illusion that I have lots of friends and that my time is well spent in social interactions. . . .but actually, I am alone. I have maybe two or three friends with whom I am honest and real, but other than that, I am alone most of the time. Sometimes, I just wish for someone to be near me, to touch me, to let me know that I am not so alone. Perhaps these are just my thoughts that are stemming from my quiet night here at work, but perhaps not. There are more things that cause me to think about this. For example, I check my email daily (sometimes more than once a day), and it is always in vain, because it is weeks in between any personal email that I receive. I carry my cell phone around with me. . . .but it's more like a dead Giga Pet (remember those?) than a means of connection to the outside world. No one ever calls me. I am driven into myself, into my own thoughts, or perhaps I resign myself to it.

Please, someone tell me that I not the only one that feels this acute loneliness. . . .

Are we all doomed to wander as unfamiliar souls, passing each other in our mass sea of individualism, too busy to give the time of day or share a poetic thought. . . . .intimacy is only for those who are foolish, because they dare to give up precious time in order to be known.

I write on this blog, because it is like a faceless friend to me. It doesn't talk back, it just listens to all the things I need to express. I am too afraid to write an email that is this blisteringly honest to a friend, because, perhaps they won't write back, or maybe they won't really care. A blog is like sending out my thoughts into some faceless void, it alleviates my loneliness for a moment. Only a moment. Because once I hit "post" and my thoughts are now held out in the void that is cyberspace, I once again am alone. No voice to speak with, no arms to be embraced by. . . . .just me.

Perhaps that's what life is becoming. . . . .just to be alone. . . . . .what a melancholy thought. . . . .