"SAVED"

I just watched the movie "Saved" with some of my freshman comrades here while I'm on duty, and it is always quite a thought-provoking film. I have seen it countless times, and each time again, I am refreshed to know that someone else is asking the same questions that I am asking, and questioning the institutions just like I am.
I grew up in the evangelical church, and it made me pretty bitter by this time of my life. All of the pat answers and well-formulated theology began to grow pretty tasteless to me by about senior year of high school. Somehow, I knew that there was something more to this life than just having all the right answers. In the words of my good friend Walt Whitman: "Logic and sermons never convince, the dark of night drives deeper into my soul." The dark of night, driving deeper into my soul puts it so well. There is something that drives me to keep seeking the "divine," whatever that may be, and somehow the shortcomings of the institutional church aren't that bad. I have my own share of brokenness, and how many people in my life have I judged, looked down upon, or ostracized- when I should have listened, embraced and had compassion?
What would life look like if we lived to see people as they are, rather than as we choose to see them? What if we lived to give compassion, serve others above ourselves and be honest and real with everyone? What if we all dared to be ourselves, not caring what the world says about us?
Sometimes, actually a lot of times, I question my place in society, in life and in the greater story of history and of life. I wonder if anyone will ever care to hear my voice and listen to what I have to say- and actually, do I REALLY have anything significant to say? Do I dare to speak from the depths of myself, and not care what others think about my expression? There's something so human about the idea of expression. I love words so damn much, but they also seem to become my biggest curse. Sometimes it's so beautiful to say something or write something that truly expresses my heart, but sometimes I am caught with the problem that there are things so deep and so poignantly beautiful, that WORDS will never be able to express them. I wonder if I actually dare to seek out my own original style of expression, or if I only just copy and imitate what I have read, heard and learned all of my life? How much of my expression is due to my socialization, and how much really just flows out of the depths of who I am? In the movie, Little Women, Laurie says to Amy: "Your paintings are like my compositions, mediocre copies of another man's genius." Ouch. Is that all my poetry and writing truly is- mediocre copies of another man's genius? How does one stumble upon, or rather, seek out, original art?
Do I only want to write and produce art for the masses, or simply for the sake of my own expression- the sweating out of my own thoughts and ideas, apart from the definition of society? But yet, I exist within society, and EVERYTHING I do is influenced by this world that I live in- or rather, the tension of myself within this world.
Maybe I should write a book with that title: "The tension of myself with this world. . . "
What do you think? So much rambling. . . . .so many thoughts. . . . .