Thoughts after a wedding. . . .

Tonight, I went to wedding of two friends (it was killer hot, not the best day for a wedding), and I must say it was quite beautiful. It was wonderful to see old friends and catch up (there was a very sincere guy among the lot of us that went around the table at the reception and asked about everyone's summers so we all could hear)- it was the group that I went to Guatemala with over a year ago, but we still are pretty good "companeros" after all this time apart. I experienced a very intense and changing time with these people, and so, they will always understand that part of me in a way that no one else here in the States ever could.

I also saw several of the Youthworks supervisors tonight- and I didn't feel like explaining why I wasn't at my site anymore. I didn't even explain it or dare bring it up to my good friends tonight either- I'm just getting weary of explaining myself (even though I have no shame in it), and having them feel sorry for me; as if it's just a phase, something I'll "work through," something that will "make me stronger." Thanks, everyone, for putting such noble terms on it, but I don't seem to think of my departure from Youthworks and the whole Christian community as something so noble. Sometimes it feels really shitty and lonely. Sometimes, I just crave to have someone come near me and embrace me. You know that feeling? That sometimes you just crave a genuine hug, not just one of those wimpy, pat-on-the-back deals, but a real, caring embrace? I saw the mutual understanding and love on DJ and Rachel's (the bride and groom tonight) faces at their wedding- what a phenomenal thing: to choose someone over all other people in the world to share your life with, and for them to choose you for the same. I remember hearing Rachel's stories about DJ when I was in Guatemala with her, and the letters he would send her, with pictures he had taken of his life to show her. They shared so much with each other, even before they were engaged, or now married.

I talked with a friend a few weeks ago at Caribou about relationships and all that, and somehow we started talking about the idea of being chosen. Perhaps that is something that every human soul so inherently needs, to know and believe that they are chosen, whether by friends and family or a lover who desires to know them deeply. What an anguished feeling, to know that you are forgotten and alone. . . . .

How can one exist in the confines of the phoniness of society? I am in the middle of reading "Catcher in the Rye" right now (I know, I was never assigned it in middle school English class, how sad), and the main character, Holden, seems to be searching for someone who isn't "phony" or fake in the culture around him. But the more he searches, the more he feels alone and discouraged about the state of humanity.

I used to wonder why so many books, stories, movie plots are focused around happy endings, beautiful and talented characters and perfect plot lines? Whatever happened to seeing raw humanity in a story? Have we become immune to it? I often ask myself those things, and I suppose something like this book is what I have been looking for. If the most trusted writer's credo is: "Write what you know," then why aren't more writers telling stories from the lives that they live themselves? The stories of our Western culture are unrealistic, phony and not written from real life. I really don't think many mystery writers have ever witnessed a crime scene, many romance novelists probably have unhappy relationships and unrealistic expectations that aren't being met, and adventure writers probably sit at home getting fat and watching television.

Whatever happened to imagination? The ability to create, to wonder, to tell stories that are true to life. I can only read so many books and see so many movies about adventures, then after a while I need a story about real life again.

I don't get touched by much anymore, maybe because I was told a few months ago that if I let myself be touched by everything, I'd get burned out in a second. So, I think I went to the opposite extreme, with the things that used to bring tears to my eyes or a lump to my throat, now only are something that receive a fleeting glance from me. But perhaps, maybe the reason that the wedding kind of touched me tonight was that it was real people. People that I knew and that had grown up similar to me and attended the same college and done many of the same things. They had found the person to share their life and go through everything with. Even though that's such a simple story, I must say that I never get tired of hearing it- that yet another friend or two friends found mutual deep understanding in each other and decided to commit to one another. I don't get very nostalgic about it for myself, though. I'm happy for my friends that found romantic love in another person, and I know that my heart desires that same thing quite deeply, but I am left to be satisfied with my solitary life right now.

Even though loneliness comes often enough, the beauty of being left with my own thoughts and to have my own time of self-discovery is valuable, even if I can't fully see it right now. Gosh, I must admit that college life (especially nearer to the end of college), the dating and marriage train seem to be passing by at full speed, hard to ignore. I do tire of friends and family asking me, "So, have you started dating anyone yet?" NO! And since when does life only begin when you find a spouse and get married? And why should my worth come from my ability to catch a man? I've had my share of shallow, temporary infatuations and relationships, and they have left a bad taste in my mouth about dating.

Sometimes, I honestly wonder, is any guy truly FOR REAL? Am I for real with myself when it comes to my interactions with guys? I do not want to become someone that I am not in order to obtain the interest of some guy. I have done that enough in my adolescent years, and I am sick of compromising myself and rationalizing it away, simply for the gratification of having someone to date.

There is no formula to dating, anyway, I have discovered. (Sound the trumpet, she's really on to something now!) I guess I am finally coming to terms with the ambiguity of interacting with the opposite sex. I do well with having guy friends, but when the interest of "more than friends" comes up and also a "DTR" (Define The Relationship talk), that's when it gets mucky. I have seen my fair share of friends endure heartbreak and disappointment and unmet expectations, and sometimes it almost leads me to become quite a bit cynical about love.

I mean, these days, you can just go online or on some phone line and shop around until you find somebody that fits your style, almost like going to the mall and picking out a sweater. Since when did it become this easy? Because, in any of these venues, is anyone really presenting themselves AS THEY TRULY ARE, or are they just presenting the part of themselves that will appear to be the most appealing? Who is EVER willing to present themselves as they truly are? Maybe dating has become the time of fakeness and superficiality in our culture today, and marriage is the time to discover the true person (which is maybe why so many people are disappointed and more than 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce- another reason to be cynical about love!); but shouldn't it be the other way around, or not a dichotomy at all? Shouldn't relationships be an interaction that involves both the good and bad, beautiful and ugly, loving and selfish parts of a person, and accepts all of it as the whole person? Sure, I have a lot of shit in my life, but it's what makes me ME, and I can't make any apologies about that.

Even with all of my cynicism and questions about love and dating, I haven't given up yet. I, of course, am not going to settle just because I want to date arbitrarily. To quote While You Were Sleeping: "Marriage is hard enough without bringing in such low expectations." Sometimes, I try to deny that I have feelings for a guy, but it's no use denying it- I might as well accept it and understand WHY I feel it, and what I can learn from it. And, also, to not have unrealistic expectations for it. I've heard (from my friends in relationships) that being in love is heaven, but it's also real life- yay for that!

Maybe someday, I'll know what being in love is like. . . . . .if I ever get the opportunity. . . . .