Nothing to say. . . .

It's been forever since I've written on here, and I feel like I have nothing to say, but yet, I have so much to say. Maybe that's the beauty of a blog, that you can just ramble, and it doesn't really matter because it's just sent off into cyberspace anyways.

For the whole duration of this blog, I have voiced so much of my skepticism and my cynicism, venting all of that frustration in this outlet which no one reads (at least, I don't think anyone reads it). I've finally decided that I am an agnostic, I have no idea what the hell I should believe, and I don't want to believe in some "god" simply because I feel like I have to believe. Arbitrary belief is hollow.

I feel as if I can question and wonder and learn so much more about myself and the world when I don't have the necessary "requirement" of God hanging over my head. Who'd have thought that I would feel freer when I did away with belief in God?

I guess, I must say, I've given up on belief, because I just don't have enough faith to believe all this stuff and also measure up to the religious standards that are subconsciously applied to all Christians. I thought that Christians were supposed to be culture-changers, rebels, deeply satisfied and passionate? But most of the Christians I know are weary.

We're supposed to experience passion ONLY in religious experience. . . . .as if our natural experience as humans is inherently flawed. But honestly, I see transcendence in music, poetry, and nature- and am I a heretic because of it? The ancient Celtic monks believed that God was found in nature, and that his immanence was displayed in the beauty of the earth. But alas, our Western view of God is altogether too Greek-centered, because God is seen as this far-off, completely other, removed being- who is too holy to become involved in human affairs. I think that I am exasperated of that view. . . . .it is so defeating and pointless.

Also, I recoil from the idea that God is only a male. That idea has been handed down from patriarchal societies for centuries, and the idea of a supra-gender God has been completely lost, along with the ability of a female to truly relate to this "god." If this God is only male, than I'm sure I will have as much confusion in understanding "Him" as I do trying to understand my male friends and their minds.

This is all just ranting and raving. . . .it has little coherency, but since when are my thoughts perfectly coherent?